You make me feel not myself

You make me feel inside out,
like what I thought is turned on its head.
You make me feel shy when I'm not that way,
and make me squirm nervous, unsure,
when before I knew myself, sure as the day.
You make me feel happy, I think of your eyes.
And then make me feel sad, storms you sought to hide.
It seems you moved on, I admire that strength
through dizzying heights, and falling troughs, Life said.
You made me believe it could happen again.
That feelings and thoughts, not hurt could win.
You make me feel not like myself.
But I like that with you
I don't feel like that too.

What if

What if

What if you felt the same way I do?
What then, whatever then?
i wasn't there,
the time we first met.
What if you'd been with her,
not me.
Would we have connected then,
or agreed to disagree?

What is poetry anyway..?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poetry

You're Particular

I lost myself in your blue shade
When freaking hours you
Stared. Me. Out.
I saw oceans in there,
Vast ebbing thoughts, cares
But not about me,
That much became clear.

I floated amongst it, treading water,
Tides of happy time.
Built feelings to sandcastle,
raised high towers,
But. Water. Made. It. Crash. Down
Rubbed rock to grains, sand inamongst
that first glitter of solid gold…

Your ebbs I found calming,
Your highs actually didn’t show.
But inner self, inner peace
shone out, at times I’d even say,
you glowed.

I always wondered at your timing.
Fast. Slow. Fast. Slow.
Arched my back up,
Thought. Nothing. Felt. Everything.
And though you wouldn’t believe it,
that me, not many at all know.

I’ll admit. I lost myself there
In your very intense hue
Weeks came. Went. Then came again
Until finally, one evening, I saw,
a blue like that’s yours, not mine
and then I let you go.

I was going to write a poem about him, but I figure he's not even worth that effort yet.
So here it is, my non-poem.
thing.

You and me

Oil and water, that’s we’ll be.
You in your shape and mine, me.

Lie, side by side, afterwards.
Keep our own form, But each curve,
Each part touching, the perfect fit.

Yes we’ll split, do our own thing.
But when we come together,
You won’t be able to tell where
You begin and I end.

Oil and water, that’s what we’ll be.
You in your bubble and mine, me.

Lonliness

Loneliness. a dull ache that starts somewhere
In consciousness,
And spreads slowly over life
Every couple who’ve conquered it,
Ram your splinters in deeper, oblivious,
They stare into each others eyes. While
Shards of darkness that, like a black hole,
Have a beginning in thought but no end.
Eat you from the inside, out
Necrotising,, flesh eating, heart destroying,
Soul destroying,, is that fucking loneliness.

Amsterdam

His hand on bare back sparks nerves
I thought they’d burnt out. Raw impulse, they surface,
Electric, a quick outtake of breath slows it, remember
How it feels, Numb.
It can’t awaken, just imagine
what could happen. That stops it dead
as one fibre, central, won’t conduct thoughts.
It drummed too many times, when that first flame ignited,
Over two years ago.

Would it smart like I remember, hurtful?
Radiating warmth, the start. Glances.
Hot breath, words about meeting, lady luck.
How then, in the end did she stab me with anger?
Sharp silences before words tumbled,
then your cold dark laugh knelled out, quenching.
You cared so little, where I thought you loved.

Now, Amsterdam - water conducts, where maybe I can’t.
Will it heal, or jump-start, amplify hope?
Already it begins, with sparks and poems,
Feelings grow. Ripples, the stone of thoughts thrown,
His fingers remind me you can’t stop it.
no matter how dead, burnt, black, nature will conquer
reassuring, in one way, another terrifying,
in a shock of tingling fire like this one.

Life Yawn

Life yawns out in front, a tree-lined avenue of
Never ending, the sad stretch a story,
That could go on forever, but I know can’t, won’t.
I make myself remember the yesterday
I couldn’t believe I’d turn 30,
Now lies there dormant 20 years before

Blink and you’ll miss it, another year gone.
That boyfriend who broke your heart
A tiny blip (all he deserves to be),
And in ten years, my own kids will be the only new
Love of my youthful, mothering life.

They say time flies when you’re having fun,
I think of this as slow sadness brings it down,
Each day an agony of tears,
of ‘I will get through it’,
Until one morning I wake up,
Feel almost myself again.

One thing is certain,
Nothing stays the same,
And the cliché 'all good things will end'
The one truth that reigns supreme.
We have to take that thought and hope only,
When we leave it’ll be just the beginning
An entrance to the last, eternal scene.

Chocolate hearts

You were there when my love left.
Your sweetness now keeps me warm.
I have my reasons to stay faithful to you:

With you I’m never alone
You’re warm and pliable,
I can have you any way I want
More than that, you stay until I’m ready
and only leave after I’m done
You never complain,
But leave the sweet memory of you
On my fingers, on my tongue.
I can share you with a friend
but usually I’ll savour you hungrily
the one time I don’t mind being
on my own.


What is it about you?
You’re sweet, but not too sweet.
You leave a bitterness behind
Teasing after what came before
I can save you for later, you’re there waiting
Or you’re gone quicksmart. You’ll take it either way,
If I’m down you bring me up,
if I’m up you take me higher.

I love you and I think I always will,
Unfaithful, me? Only with the next wrapper,
The next little fad.

If I tell you I love you, you won’t run away
But stare darkly at me, expectantly.
Every moment of every day, if I want you to.
That was too much to ask of someone else.
You lie in the mystery that is my drawers,
Solve them without even trying to.

You’re my first and last love,
But you’re also every other woman’s.
So I must remember that.

You comfort me when I need comforting
You say nothing back, when I need to be listened to
You’ll give everything you are to me.
Sweet nothings, sweet everythings.

Without speaking one angry word.
The only thing is you don’t speak any other word
Either

If only you could you love me
as I love you.

You don’t talk back at me
Won’t ever hog the remote
you’ll come shopping with me, be my pick me up
The sugar rush that keeps me going
When everything else has failed me.
I don’t have to wonder where you are,
If you’ll remember Valentine’s or my birthday
- You’ll be a cake, with all the candles on top.
With you I always know where I stand.


If every love was as easy,
No woman, including I, could be sad
Ever again.